Last week I shared with you a shocking statement made by a woman to a nun, which I later heard the nun share. The woman’s statement was:
"I hope my children die before I do."
I asked you to share with me and other Wealthy Soul subscribers why you thought the woman made that statement. You can view all your insightful responses on this blog at:
So before I tell you the rest of that story, I want to tell you what I saw recently on television that triggered me to recall the nun’s story, which I heard a number of years ago.
I was watching the 6-part television series of Sports Illustrated 2005 Swimsuit Model Search in which 12 finalists selected from thousands of applicants compete for the super model position along with the million dollar contract that goes along with it. None of the girls have much modeling experience.
On the third episode, finalist Alicia Hall doesn’t make friends with anyone when she refuses to pose with several male models on one of the qualifying shoots.
She states that none of the other girls had to pose with male models, no Sports Illustrated model ever has been photographed with one for the swimsuit issue, and she doesn’t want to ruin her chances when the judges view her photographs – which she feels should picture her in a setting as close to what the judges are looking for as possible.
Her logic at first glance seems quite convoluted in that the judges themselves have arranged the shoot!
Her apparent ‘hissy fit’ gets her labeled as a diva by her fellow contestants. Millions watching (myself included) feel the same way, as do the judges by their strong remarks to her about her behavior.
Surprisingly, though, they don’t eliminate her that round. In private they decide that her willfullness might not be a bad quality in the dog-eat-dog modeling industry. However, her behavior at the shoot is still a clear mark against her.
I missed episode #4, but in the extraordinary next-to-last episode (#5), the young model reveals something that makes her apparent diva-like performance of earlier no longer appear so diva-like after all.
It turns out that Alicia spent six years of her childhood in foster homes. The young woman’s emotional telling of her dream to become a Sports Illustrated cover model ever since she was a pre- teen touched my heart – as I’m sure it touched millions of other viewers. It’s not hard to imagine how this dream helped her through many a rough night as a little girl in one strange home after another.
In fact, Alicia suddenly takes on the quality of someone with an unbreakable spirit . . . someone, in fact, with a special Vision who knows precisely what the judges are looking for (perhaps even better than they do themselves). . . and someone who refuses to let even the judges themselves compromise their Vision of her as cover model by making her pose in a manner that will not support their own Vision of what they wish that model to look like.
In an amazing twist, after almost getting booted from the show on that earlier episode, Alicia is one of only two models left at the end of the competition. And despite the greater voluptuousness of her competitor, millions of television viewer votes allow Alicia to be elected as Sports Illustrated highly coveted 2005 Swimsuit Cover Model.
So, what lessons are in this for you?
What might you learn about your own perceptions of others from this story?
I learned quite a deep lesson – and I don’t consider myself very judgmental (but then again, who does?) The lesson I learned came partially in the form of my memory of nun Sister Theresa’s story about the woman who made the shocking statement:
"I hope my children die before I do."
The very wise nun didn’t scream in horror at the remark, nor walk out the room. Rather, she said to the woman:
"I bet you have a good reason for feeling that way."
As Sister Theresa tells it, the woman’s whole demeanor softened. She went on to tell the Sister how her own parents had recently died. She said, "I don’t want my children ever to have to experience the grief of losing someone they love as much as I loved my parents."
Who, my friend, might you need to be a little gentler with in your judgments?
Might it be worthwhile for you to probe a little deeper, leading perhaps with Sister Theresa’s beautiful line: "I bet you have a good reason for feeling that way"?
The extraordinary number of beautiful comments received on my blog about last week’s newsletter showed me that there are a whole lot of people out there who are a heck of a lot better than I am at not jumping to conclusions.
But, of the many thousands of worldwide readers of that newsletter, only 3 people’s comments on the blog indicated they had thought about what the subject line of my email meant ("The First Stone").
The meaning of it certainly wasn’t apparent in my previous email. But, I believe, it should be quite apparent in this email. If it’s not, you can view Harry Tan’s, E.B. Ten Brinks’s and Amy’s comments on the blog at: http://
(And if it still is not obvious . . . ask a nun!).
This week, let me ask you to share with me and thousands of readers your own "First Stone" story.
Describe how you might have jumped to a conclusion about someone or something, the underlying reality of which later turned out to be entirely different than your initial impression.
Forming a strong first impression is entirely human – I do it, you do it occasionally . . . everyone does it. If you’re honest with your emotions – as every single person who posted on the blog last week was – you allow yourself to be authentic with what you’re feeling, even if your first impressions are negative (in some circumstances, negative first impressions can save your life!).
But if we’re true to our ‘higher selves’, even in the case of someone who may have done something objectionable – or even heinous – we look for the story behind the obvious one.
And therein, we find daily grace.
Yours for the greatest wealth,
Michael
*** Please share your own grace-filled "First Stone" story now in the form below. I will eventually take your story (and every comment from all previous and subsequent newsletters) and put them on separate websites with Wealthy Soul themes such as forgiveness, grace and triumph.
Some years ago I lived in a hundred acre forest that opened onto a lake. In the winter, not many people visited that area but lots of animals. I learned that just outside my window, the struggle for daily food is constant with these creatures that give me so much pleasure. One rabbit in particular was showing up in Tory Glen often around dusk so my daughter, my German Shepherd Rocky and I would go to that area with rabbit pellets and carrots to feed him. He wouldn’t come close enough for us to pet him but he did come when we called out for him. He knew us. We loved him.
One day after some months, he didn’t come. The next day, my German Shepherd arrived at the back door with this beautiful but dead bunny in his mouth. I was so upset, ranting at the dog while he put the bunny at my feet and lowered his head and walked away. When the dog came for dinner, again I berated him for killing the bunny.
About a week passed and a neighbour came by and in conversation told me she had hit a rabbit on the road last week. He came out when he heard people coming and got caught in the headlights of the snowmobile. She hit him, thought nothing of it until I burst into tears both for the rabbit and especially for what I had done to my beloved pet dog.
Many aren’t aware that a salesperson is faced with the same spiritual challenges every day that a person in another position faces only on occasion. Every time salespeople encounter a prospect they must judge the person facing them. These people are not just prospects, they are also persons with whom salespeople must choose to have or not have a customer or client realtionship.
I have learned over the decades that my best customers are those who allow themslves to be seen and heard and that the best salespeople are those who are most willing to see deeply and listen carefully.
Perhaps this is what Martin Buber means when he discusses an “I and Thou” relationship. Seeing and hearing the “other” with such clarity and understaning and empathy that you become, if only for a moment, one.
Like most respondents last week I felt hesitant to judge without knowing more about the woman in question, but I couldn’t imagine someone justifibly wishing her children would die before her. The nun’s response was beautiful, saying gently that “she must have a good reason for saying that” was the accepting response you’d hope for from a religious person, that drew the speaker out. The woman’s story about the devasation she suffered when her parents died , one closely after the other, doesn’t make me want to go back and change my answer. I think good nurses, like my wife, are that way, too, but I still think, even though it may sound hackneyed, that God won’t give us more trouble than we can bear if we call on the Holy Spirit for help.
My “First Stone” story occured to me in my first semester at UConn. I was in the bass section of my college choir, sitting next to a slight guy with a “Prince Valiant” haircut with a deep bass voice. Talking with him afterward, he seemed to have an opinion on everything and some of them were pretty provocative. I agreed with Learned Hand, that “the spirit of liberty is that which is not absolutely certain it is right.” I didn’t write him off, though. We became friends and I found out he could usually back-up his statements.
Later, in the second semester, my roommate had moved out to work as a live-in attendant at the Manchester Training Institute, a state-run mental hospital. Glen was suffering social persecution and cruelty from a persistent small group in his residence house. So, he moved in informally with me. I was going through my first college cycle of depression, which I later found was bipolar moodswing, so I was kind of oblivious to others at the time (also having met my future wife) and didn’t get to know him as well as the opportunity afforded.
Later, though, after I’d flunked out, talked my way back into school with my father’s help and came back to the main campus after exile my sophomore year at the Stamford branch, Glen introduced me to the UConn Outing Club. I remember walking down the sidewalk toward north campus and meeting him. His first words were, “You’ve GOT to check out this group. They get high by climbing mountains”. (I’m paraphrasing his remarks from a 35 yr-old memory.) It was one of the formative groups of my life.
The Outing Club was a group of like-minded free-spirits who were the opposite of the socially-exclusive fraternity I was pledging at the time. I would ultimately be “black-balled”– turned-down for membership — and accepted unconditionally in the OC.
Typical meetings would end in a hat-fight, where one of the girls would steal one of the guy’s hats and run off with it, returning it with her initials sewn onto it. I never found a hat that was “me”, so I was a spectator at this. Roger “The Great Pumpkin” Blanchard’s hat collected the most initials.
I could tell you stories about the spoonmen’s strange disapearance and reappearances years later, but I’ll relate a reconnection ten years later with Glen. He’d had a personal miraculous experience and undergone a religious conversion from what he described as being a pagan to an evangelical Catholic (if that isn’t an oxymoron).
Since then I’ve traveled back up to CT several times to weekend religious retreats at “My Father’s House” and he’s traveled down to the Washington, DC area to visit me. He’s one of most spiritual persons I know and has become one of my spiritual advisors, who I submit anything I write for constructive criticism. I glad I didn’t “stone” him.
When I first met Randy, I judged him as an arrogant ass. I set aside my own belief that people that act like that are usually insecure and decided I didn’t like him.
Years later, we met under other circumstances and today he is my spouse.
I still think he is arrogant, but it is a quality that endears him to me because he is always willing to back it up.
You never know what’s round the corner and I have learned the hard way that if you don’t look you’ll never see.
My “first stone” comment. This confirms the the old saying “No matter how flat the pancake is, there are still two sides.” I recently moved into a converted house with 3 apartments. I was on second floor, a single man on first and a single man (Chip)in the basement. The man in the basement had lived there for over 20 years and was the resident “manager”. The neighbor lady had told me “just wait till it snows, Chip won’t shovel the snow, only a path from his door to the garage. Well, when it snowed, sure enough that’s all he shoveled. (The landlord did shovel the whole driveway though). Afterward, I asked Chip if he had shoveled the driveway because I wanted to thank him. He said, “No, ever since I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, the doctor told me not to shovel snow.” Well, that explains why he only shoveled a path from his door to the garage. There are always two sides to every story.
My “First Stone”, awakenings happened while working in my previous job as a counselor, i graduated as a psych major and was currently seeking my master’s in school psych. My work entailed counseling to girls who were faced with unplanned pregnancies. I learned a great deal about people there, especially about judgement. I realized that behind every person there’s a history. Some of these histories are not the most appealing. A lot of these women were facing a lot of hardships; a lot of loneliness. They encountered fear, pain, shame, guilt, and others joy, excitement, thrill. This all depended on whether or not they were happy about being pregnant.
I’ve learned that at times the person standing right in front of me who has been labeled as the “loser”, the “slacker”, the “slut”, the “snob”, the Up-tight” and a whole other number of titles, may have a reason for being the way they are. As hard as it is at times for me, i have to step back and remind myself that we all have our moments, our times, our hardships, our circumstances, our histories. These can cause us to appear in certain ways. I try to be accepting of people now, as hard as it is and sometimes i forget. I’ve had too many “first stone” experiences that have taught me how unreliable my judgments have been and it’s easier to withold because you have no expectations formed so this means you accept the person for who they are. How great is that? I think most people would agree that what we most seek is acceptance, especially of ourselves?
The following was inspired by Ivie, who’s comments appear on this board, as it relates to “the First Stone”.
My comments do not relate a specific “First Stone” story but having been a person who perhaps many would cast a stone upon, I suggest a deeper look at, and into…how it all begins…….
Every single person alive was once an innocent little baby that wanted nothing more than to be loved and cared for by the people who had brought them into this world.
Even the most heinous of criminals, like Hitler or Ted Bundy or anyone you can think of, yup, they were all just “that baby” wanting to be loved and accepted. But, somewhere along the way– life and the people who were supposed to give that love, started to kick them in the behind, instead. And I believe that even those “worst criminals” afore mentioned… as hard as it may be to believe, only committed their acts of violence and cruelty out of the unspeakable pain and torment that was going on inside their own minds and souls– pain, that we will never know. And while this does not justify their acts, it should only serve as a reminder of the possibilities that were there for all of us, and while many/most of us were fortunate enough to escape the kinds of events that can cause that kind of inner pain and turmoil…let’s not forget….that it could just as easily have been (or might be) any one of us, as well.
How many could resist casting the first stone upon Hitler, or the likes!
Judge not, lest ye be judged.
And since we can’t be in the minds and hearts of apparent evil-doers, or even those who utter **shocking** words filled with the pain of their own experience, we can’t know that we ourselves wouldn’t be guilty of worse, given the same lifes circumstances.
By all means, resist, with all your might, casting the stone.
Thank you Ivie, Michael, and all of those who have shared their experiences on this board, and allowed me to share as well.
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