Why you can’t forgive . . .

Dear L,

(See her letter below). Indeed, part of forgiveness is knowing that we are capable of handling the same situation if it arises again. People who forgive are people who know they will be able to handle the situation appropriately if it arises again.

"Turning the other cheek" only works as a technique of sorts. If it enlightens the person who is transgressing a trust, then it’s a valid technique and, indeed, the most effective one . . . for it allows for self-correction.

If, however, the other person continues doing the same thing, it obviously isn’t working. And continuing to turn the other cheek, as your mother did, will eventually breed the opposite of forgiveness – as it did with your mother.

But, when kind-hearted people like your mom later can’t forgive, who it is they can’t forgive is what’s interesting.

It no longer is the other person, but rather – for having permitted the transgressions to continue – it sadly becomes themselves.

And thus self-forgiveness is what truly becomes the first and most necessary spiritual act.

You’ve indeed learned many lessons. And thank you for all your kind words about the books.

God bless,

Michael Norwood

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My mother used to say that when you love someone, it is easy to forgive them.  I was always amazed at the way she did that with my father.  She adored him for most of her life.  But I knew since I was in the sixth grade, that my father didn’t love my mother, that his relationship to her was one of duty, obligation and much disrespect.  He had at least two affairs, one that was longstanding till the time of his death.  At the end of my mother’s life, she refused to be buried with him.  I think your heart can be broken once too many times that there’s nothing left to give anymore.   

 

It’s taken me 7 years since my father’s death to forgive him. And the process continues as there are still memories of him that still pain me. Forgiveness for deeper hurts, I’ve found, is a matter of the will as well as spiritual intercession.  I’ve also discovered that it’s a concerted effort to see the positive characteristics and virtues of that individual as well as seeing the hurts not as personal attacks but as derivations of that person’s limitations and weaknesses.  I am also learning that forgiveness entails taking a look at myself to see what I have done to bring hurt or to exacerbate any pain in his  life.   

With regards to spiritual intercession, I found that surrendering all my burdens and praying fervently for guidance and assistance were powerful means of healing and direction.  I had difficulty trusting God and men for many, many years because of the image of men I received from my father.  In 1991, I saw a movie on Medjugorje, where the Virgin Mary had been appearing to several children on a daily basis since the mid 1980s.  I knew then that I had to go there.  Then strangely, I had begun to have several dreams of the Virgin Mary as if she were drawing me near to her.  I was finally able to get to Medjugorje in 1996, the year before my parents died.  We were saying the Rosary prayer on Apparition Hill where she appeared to the children and during the course of the prayer, I had a vision of her in the sky. She then turned into a cross on fire and the cross then turned into the sun.  I then heard a voice say, "You shall receive graces when you return home."  I left Medjugorje elated, thinking that everything would be hunky-dory when I returned.  The following year and the months, years thereafter were the most difficult times in my life.  In retrospect, I understood that the Blessed Mother meant that She would grant me graces through the trials and tribulations, not that they would be eliminated from my life.  I believe I had this spiritual encounter because I did not have much support of other family members and friends during  this period, for various reasons, that I was the only one in the family led to Christ and that She felt mercy and compassion towards me in light of my circumstances.  As I had mentioned earlier, my father, my mother and my sister were all ill at the same time and I had a nephew that I was helping to raise.   

Some of the graces I have received include: 1) My mother becoming a Christian ten days before she died and my having encounters with her after her death.  In fact, she is the one who directed me to find my sister with schizophrenia when my sister was homeless 3 years after my parents’ deaths; 2) Through the prayers of a priest, my sister has significantly improved and today, she is the best she has ever been in all of the 24 years she has been ill; 3) I love my work, my boss and coworkers and it is the best social work job I have ever held; 4) All my financial investments are doing great; and 5) The Blessed Mother has brought me closer to Christ than I have ever been.  The Blessed Mother has kept her word with me and the graces and blessings do continue.   

I’ve finished reading your book, and it is a lifegiving, life affirming work.  I felt you were deeply blessed to have the father you had and vice versa.  He seemed highly devoted to your sister, your mother and to you.  I cried at times wishing I had a father like that, that other children had a father like yours.  I’m sure you’re aware that more than half of our nation’s children grow up without fathers and the ones that do, still lack for the love and attention they truly need.  I think you would be a great father one day with your family heritage.  And your e-mails resonate the Father to us as well.

Peace and Blessings,
L